Knock knock

When God calls to you do you answer?

Walking with Christ has not always been easy. When I was younger I used to lay awake at night crying wondering if God has forsaken me. Why does he never answer me?

As a child, certain narratives are thrust upon you, regarding faith. You are preached at in a some what aggressive manner. You are made to believe a set of rules, and if you stray, you are a bad Christian or not even one at all. Obey the commandments to the letter, always say the lords prayer at night and never miss church. All these phrases ended with a silent ” Or else”.

When it became all about appearances and never about the actual teachings, as a teen, this pushed me away. Even though I had my faith, I kept him at arms length. I avoided church and feared mentioning my religion to others. Only after connecting to youth groups and my school’s Chaplin, i started to learn again and was pushed to reflected back on my life. I realised he has, in fact, always been waiting at the door for me. He was orchestrating his plan all along. Biding his time on the other side, till i hear the knock and open the door.

He had a hand in every person I met and every experience I faced. There were lessons I needed to learn on my journey to him. I realised that while I did pray for others, most of my prayers were selfish. “God why don’t I have a boyfriend?” ” God please can I have a dog?”. Like he was some sort of Santa Claus bringing me things on my wish list. I never realised that god was working in his own time, what i wanted was perhaps not what i needed.

I have been talking, sometimes screaming, but have I really been listening? Once this thought sunk in, I had the urge to learn, i needed answers. I connected with others walking a similar path and we started discovering together. I joined more youth groups and got involved in bible study, learning anew, slowly building my understanding. I saw god through new eyes, my eyes, for the first time. My prayers became a ritual to check in with god and filled with wishes for others. I learned you can communicate with Christ anywhere anytime and that you are not limited to certain circumstances or conditions to approach him.

Entering into adulthood I am by no means a perfect Christian (If that even exists). However, now I know who my god is. Walking hand in hand with Christ is a two way street. Like any relationship there is a give and take. It has been made known to me why i had to face certain things or experience certain events, and the reason for some of the trials and tribulations i have had in my life. I have made peace that i may never know the reasons for others or understand the full plan he has for me. While this will be ongoing endeavor for the rest of my life on earth, I now lend my ear to God as he does me. Instinctively knowing right from wrong or what path to follow may be difficult, there is still so much to learn, but through him, I always find my way. As if little whispers enters my soul and nudges me in the right direction, i will follow.

When you find the light in the darkness, you know the monsters cannot harm you.

Till next time…