The mental load

Have you ever seen that funny video about the magic coffee table? This couple is having an argument, the woman comes storming in, seemingly out of the blue, yelling at the man about how tired she is that she is constantly doing everything and he is not contributing (wow doesn’t this sound familiar?). The man turns around and assures the woman not to worry because of his magic coffee table. He walks over and explains, that if he puts anything on it, it sorts itself out. He will put dirty laundry on there, and it will magically be washed and packed away. He will place his used dishes on it, and they will appear cleaned back in the kitchen. He will stack his rubbish (sometimes just for fun to see how much the table can handle), and it will disappear into thin air. The woman is obviously baffled, she had been the one doing these things.

This is when you realize that it’s actually not that funny after all. As much as we love our partners, most of us have been here before. In their perspective, they don’t understand why we are upset about this one stupid thing. In our perspective, it’s not just one thing, it’s in fact, a slew of events, that linked together, caused us to explode about this “one stupid thing”.

I was scrolling through social media when i saw this post about how woman are actually managers of the household. Men expect us to know what needs to be done and require us to delegate the task to them like a manager would. The problem with this, is planning and organizing a household is already a full time job, not to mention our family obligations and our “day” jobs.

This leads us to the mental load = always having to remember. Remember that you ran out of toothpaste, remember birthdays, remember that social event or deadline, remember that your pet needs their yearly shot, remember that your partner doesn’t have a clean shirt to wear tomorrow… round and round we go. This mental load is completely carried by woman. It is permanent, it is exhausting and it is invisible.

So while our partners say they do their fair share of work, and we are inclined to be so appreciative of the tasks they do for us, they never really see our perspective on this.

Men’s brain = Oh there is a empty can on the coffee table and a book that does not belong there – puts can in trash.

Woman’s brain = Oh there is a empty can on the coffee table and a book that does not belong there – heads to trash with the can, pick up dirty towel on the way, puts can in trash, puts towel in laundry. Realize that basket is full, starts doing load of laundry. See dishes in dishwasher, packs away dishes. Notices ice tray not filled, fills and puts in freezer. Sees steak that needs to be taken out for dinner tomorrow, takes steak out. Ending back at the coffee table to put away the book.

So if we ask our partner to take the can away, he will just take the can away. All the other tasks will go unaccounted for. The towel will still be on the floor, no laundry would have been done, the dishwasher will still be full, there is no ice when you need it and no steak for dinner. What is actually happening is our partners are refusing to take their share in the mental load by just wanting one task assigned to them at a time. If we stop carrying the load and remembering, the whole family suffers.

So what can we do when we are struggling with mental load?

1. Divide up the recurrent non-critical chores – sure it wont be done in the same way you do it, but having those tasks ticked of by someone else, tastes just as sweet.
2. Become more tolerant of stuff lying around – this is a hard one for me, but sometimes we must just give things a bit more time. Not clearing the dinner table straight away will give your partner the opportunity to do it on their own.
3. Leaving the house without cleaning and not feeling guilty – it’s ok to leave your home in a state when you head out. Sometimes its hard to ignore it, but we need to learn to relax our rules and expectations. This will make outings more enjoyable for all.
4. Role reversal – this method will be more effective that confrontation. Take your partner around the house and explain everything to them and how you see it. Articulate how your brain works differently. It is our responsibility to explain this phenomenon to our partners so that they can better understand us.

Well ladies, there you have it. You don’t need to carry this load on your own, we are all in it together.

Till next time…